A New Approach To Grief For Cancer Survivors
Grief is defined as “the pain of mind produced by loss or misfortune of any kind”. For those who have experienced grief, these straightforward words do not come close to describing the deep, all-encompassing emotions that are brought by grief. Grief has no schedule, it has no set process, and it has no universal effect on individuals. To learn more about the way grief impacts cancer survivors and their loved ones, we met with Brittany Neece, a Clinical Therapist and Support Group Coordinator at the Austin Center for Grief and Loss.
How grief is described
When discussing grief and how best to approach it, people often hear the Five Stages of Grief as explained by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (source 1). Kubler-Ross describes these stages as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. When speaking with Brittany Neece, she discussed how therapists are realizing that grief is not linear in distinct “stages”, but instead is a continuum. Neece outlined a new approach to grief, inspired by Finding My Way, From Trauma to Transformation: The Journey through Loss and Grief, the three phases of grief she uses to help describe the grief process are (source 2):
- What is lost?
- What is left?
- What is possible?
How grief and loss can affect cancer survivors
Grief can seem like an unshakable part of the cancer journey. Neece spoke of the way that after a cancer diagnosis, an individual’s “general sense of peace and safety in the world can be shattered.” While we all know that there is a chance of cancer touching our life or the lives of our loved ones, until cancer actually happens to us, the extent of cancer’s impact simply cannot be fathomed.
Neece described the immense sense of lack of control experienced by individuals that have been diagnosed, from realizing that we are “not in complete control of our bodies [and] we are not in complete control of what happens.” While these feelings of loss may be common, the response to this is not the same among survivors. Neece explained two extremes that can occur: the individual obsessing over every aspect of their cancer journey, resulting in fatigue and anxiety for themselves and their loved ones, or the individual seemingly minimizing the process, saying “I’ll be fine”, and believing that this journey must be done on their own.
How grief and loss can affect family and loved ones
Grief is not exclusive to the survivor’s journey, but also can affect their family and loved ones. When seeing a loved one in such pain, Neece explained that it is a common reaction for the survivor’s loved ones to ask: what they can do to help, is there anything they can do to make the pain less, or anything they can do to fix things? Neece shared some practical suggestions on what this support could look like for a loved one:
- Be present — be willing to hold on to hope for your loved one as they may not be able to do so themselves and ask your loved one what kind of support they would like
- Understand that family roles may change — have everyone in the family understand why these changes are happening; communication is key
- Realize that there is no simple solution through words, so avoid phrases such as “look at the silver lining” or “everything happens for a reason” as these can seem insensitive
How to start the conversation
How can we talk about grief with others when it can be so hard to address ourselves? Neece shared some recommendations on how to have these conversations with our loved ones. For survivors, be willing to have open and honest conversations in what you need at each point of your cancer journey — what you need during post-treatment may be different than what you needed immediately after diagnosis. In the same manner, Neece advised you can help your family and loved ones understand what is best for you by doing the following:
- Have meaningful conversations, such as “I hear what you’re saying, but I think what would be more helpful for me right now is ”
- Help educate those who love and care for you on what you need or want from them
- Inform them of what is most helpful for you
In a time of such uncertainty and loss, it is important to remember all that you have, including your family and loved ones who care deeply for you and are walking alongside you throughout this journey.
Looking forward
As we continue to learn how to best support ourselves and those we love in their time of grief, Neece shared some final suggestions — it is important to meet people where they are at, it is important to not rush the process for anyone, and it is vital to understand that we may have a new normal, both physically and emotionally throughout this journey. Though it may seem like the day may never come, we hope to help support you and your investment in the possibilities of your future.
For more information on grief support:
Ways of Supporting Someone in Grief
If you are experiencing feelings of grief:
Visit our website or call us at (888) 220–7777 for more details on LIVESTRONG Navigation services that can help
Visit CancerCare’s website or call (888) 793–4673 for details on in-person and online support groups
Sources
“The 5 Stages of Grief .” Grief.com, https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/.
“Finding My Way”, Schneider, J., Ph.D, Seasons Press, (contact www.compassionbooks.com)
