7 Tips for Supporting a Friend or Loved One with Cancer
By Liz Hagag
As a cancer survivor, I thought I would know exactly how to support my mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, but I was in shock. I felt paralyzed and everything I learned about cancer care went down the drain. Luckily, I remembered that it takes a village to overcome cancer and I was not alone.
I reached out to 50+ survivors and caregivers to get their advice on how to best support a friend or loved one with cancer. Although each individual shared a unique experience, seven helpful tips stood out.
1. Be Present. Your loved one needs all the support he or she can get — whether it’s virtual or in-person; however, depending on the state of his or her immune system, being there in-person may not be an option. Sending cards, text messages, making phone calls, etc. can be a great way let your loved one know you’re rooting for them. Keep in mind he or she is going through a lot of change and may not feel up to responding right away.
“Put a note in your calendar to check on the person each week — even up to a year after treatment ends because the battle isn’t over, but all the support will be gone.” -Sara, Survivor
2) It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. You may be afraid to reach out because you don’t know what to say, but don’t let that stop you. Be honest with your loved one — if you don’t know what to say, tell them. Allow some time and space for your loved one to lead the conversation and listen intently.
“It was helpful when someone came to see me and just be with me. If I felt like talking, we’d talk. If I needed someone to be with me, no questions or comments, that was okay too.” -Lisa, Survivor
3) Schedule visits. Showing up for your loved one is important, but keep in mind that he or she may not be up for a visit or a phone call. When you schedule a visit, check in before to make sure he or she is still feeling up to it.
“ People coming unannounced really made me uncomfortable. Just showing up. I’m introverted so I don’t know if it was just me or anyone else that felt that way.” -Alonzo, Survivor
4) Understand that every diagnosis is different. Try to avoid comparing your loved one’s diagnosis to your Great Aunt Mary’s fight against breast cancer. Comparing cancer experiences may come off as dismissive. Instead, ask your loved one if he or she would like an introduction to your Great Aunt Mary so they can exchange tips and support.
“An unhelpful comment was ‘you’re going to be fine.’ Not only did the person not know whether or not I would, it felt like my right to be scared was being minimized.” — Karen, Survivor.
5) Help with day-to-day tasks. You can help out by picking up his or her kids from school, chipping in to hire a monthly cleaning service, creating a rotating meal schedule with friends, etc. Small acts of kindness can go a long way.
“ Don’t ask what the person /family needs because 9 times out of 10, they’ll say nothing. Cut the lawn, clean the house, make the meal. A parent just started organizing meals and gave us a calendar. Reach out to the persons inner circle if you don’t feel comfortable stepping in.” -Tina, Caregiver
6) Gift practical items. Depending on the state of his or her immune system, flowers or a fruit basket may be out of the question. Some helpful gifts might include— a gift card, Netflix/Hulu/HBO subscription, or audio version of his or her favorite book.
“Give your friend a notebook and pen so they can write down ways people can help. Even things like hats or a type of gum that helps with the taste of the central line flushes. Post the list and redirect people there” -Sara, Survivor
7) Be yourself. I know this seems counter-intuitive after reading a list of things you should (or shouldn’t) do, but try not to lose yourself in the process. Your loved one is probably craving some sense of normalcy while going through treatment, so don’t shy away from chatting about last week’s episode of “The Handmaid’s Tale” or your fantasy football league.
“ Encourage the person to talk about what they are going through but also just talk about normal things as well.” -Lisa, Survivor.
I’m grateful that both my mom and I are now cancer-free, but I know that the next friend or loved one diagnosed will be just as shocking. There’s no perfect way to navigate the cancer journey, but just remember, you are not alone.
Liz Hagag is a childhood Leukemia survivor and Marketing Coordinator at LIVESTRONG.
